Thick Chunky Paste

What does it feel like?

It feels like I am having an argument with someone who just keeps repeating the same phrase, ‘something is wrong.’

On most occasions nothing is wrong, but my mind fails to understand clear objective facts during these bouts with OCD. A minor inconvenience that may be seen as benign or miniscule to others ends up expanding into a swirling vortex of clenched teeth and second glances for me.

There is no calm.

The thought of failure is constant. It pushes out happiness, desires, daily tasks, simple cognitive functions, and the bigger picture. Everything funnels down into a thick chunky paste of fight or flight.

Nothing is wrong.

But what if something is wrong?

This constant dialog loops in my head. I can’t control it; it’s a rollercoaster without any breaks. Unfortunately you’re stuck on the ride until it stops on its own.

How long does that normally take?

Depends; sometimes a matter of minutes, other times it can last an entire day.  Up, down, left, right, over and over. I’d be surprised if my brain had a stem, considering how much it spins around in my head.

You lose sight of who you are and reduce down into a puddle. Comforts ease the tensions occasionally; food, porn, music. Yet, even with the screams blaring in my ears I can still hear the monotone voice echoing from the distance-

Something is wrong.


 

Sometimes when I am having a prolonged grapple with OCD I’ll type out my conversations with myself. Helps to drain the soup from my head, plus it makes for an interesting read later.

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